It was dark as I frantically groped under the covers. In that half-awake half-asleep state, I quickly became alert. Where could it be?
I had received it at school. The man had visited our classroom to tell us about Jesus and give us a Bible – a Gideon Bible. I had slept with it in my hand every night since – like a security blanket or favorite stuffed animal.
How did I get so easily scared, so insecure?
I was born a mere five pounds to a young mom and dad who would have probably never married had it not been for me. They lived within 15 miles of each other but their lives and families were worlds apart. I can easily see the attraction. She was beautiful, he handsome and man o man, could he dance.
Dad struggled to be an adult. Mom struggled because she was tired of being the adult. We lived together as a family for only nine years. Closing my eyes, I see the day we moved out as if it was yesterday. Dad on the sofa looking so sad, “I will miss ya’ll”, he said. In my nine year old naiveté I said, “We will see you when you come get us to visit.” Not realizing life is rarely so simple.
Over the years we saw dad less and less. Children did not fit into his “southern gentleman” persona.
When the presence of a girl’s dad becomes fainter, her sense of security can too. I began to realize later that dad had withheld some emotional gifts a daughter desperately needs. He was so broken. He had missed out emotionally from his parents. Isn’t that how it often works? Dad didn’t even realize he had something I needed.
My foundation of trust in males was thin. I had been fondled as a child by an adult man. Now, that will mess with your mind. Also the main man in my life- dad- was so undependable. Mom didn’t need to say anything. The no job, not coming home at night, the groceries being donated by our church. I lived it.
Looking back I see a girl set up to be taken advantage of. I am convinced some major pitfalls were avoided because of prayer. Not only did I have a praying mom, I had wonderful grandparents. There are sweet memories of being snuggled under five quilts in that cold back bedroom at Mamaw and Papaw Daniel’s house. His hand on my forehead, praying for God to bless and protect me.
I might have been a scary little thing but God made Himself so real to me. I was a church girl – still am. I rode the church bus when I wanted to attend and someone couldn’t take me. I just wanted to be there.
Do you believe that God has His hand on our lives early? That He holds on to us so tightly even when we are too young to understand about holding on to Him?
My life is a testament to God having a plan and using every event, good and bad, to make sure His plan succeeds. Single mama my testimony should give you comfort. Do everything you can do and then trust God with your kids.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! Psalm 139:16-17 NLT
Learning to recognize that my security is in Christ has been hard won. Satan still tries to send me cowering and this girl can still want to look for it in other places. There is nothing behind those doors – a mist, a vapor- nothing to hold on to.
The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. Proverbs. 18:10 ESV
I wouldn’t want to re-live some of those days again. Do you remember junior high? Gosh, I wouldn’t want to re-live last year! I am stronger today because of what happened yesterday.
You are too.
Carmen Horne writes from the heart of a woman who has been broken and put back together more than once. Life has not always turned out like she had planned.
She has been married to her fella for thirty seven years and they have one beautiful daughter. Her family calls the Bayou State home.
Should you meet, y’all would sit down for a chat and would be laughing before you parted. Did I mention she loves dark chocolate and the beach?
Wherever you are in life, you are welcome to stop by for a visit here and talk about life together.
This is the tenth post in Testimony Tuesday: Women who inspire. Click HERE to read all of the other posts in this series. Now it’s your turn to link up your story of how God is working in your life.
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